Lord of the Windmill
by Megge
Summary: Lord of the Rings meets Moulin Rouge. 'Nuff said.


Gandalf pressed his staff against the crack in the door of Moria. Under his breath he muttered various passwords and elvish phrases.  
  
"Did you forget?" Pippin asked cheerfully from behind him.  
  
"No." Gandalf replied calmly as his mind raced. His tongue went flying and he was soon saying anything elvish that popped into his head. The stone at the top of his staff was glowing brighter and brighter with each random elvish word he said.  
  
"Gandalf..?" Boromir asked tentatively, stepping forward when a sudden burst of light from the staff enveloped them all.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"Incadiferous!" Toulouse crowed as Christian's last note lingered on the air.  
  
Before any of the Bohemians had a chance to say anything else, the studio was filled with a blinding light. A few cries of confusion, and then seconds later the six bohemians were staring at the nine members of the fellowship.  
  
"Who are you?" Aragorn and Toulouse asked together. And then everyone introduced themselves at once, but because of all the voices, no one really heard much of anything.  
  
"Do you hear that Merry? That hobbit's name is Toothly!" Pippin exclaimed, pointing at Toulouse.  
  
"No you dunce. He said his name was Audloose!" Merry replied, bonking his companion on the head.  
  
This state on confusion continued, Christian being called Christmas, Frodo being called Fido, Gimli being called Googamir, and so on.  
  
Finally in all his brilliance, Gandalf (Grand Elf, as Audrey thought) stated they should all go one at a time. And so the occupents of Middle Earth met the Bohemian's of Montmarte.  
  
"How'd you get here anyhow?" Christian asked. His day had been very bizarre, but this bizarre event had not yet been explained.  
  
The nine of them shrugged, and Gandalf said he didn't know.  
  
"We don't know." The other eight chorused after Gandalf had said it.  
  
"Oh. All right then." The Argentinean said slowly, being quite confused.  
  
"Where are we?" Sam asked, looking at all the stange objects and stepping protectively towards Frodo.  
  
"Montmarte!" Satie exclaimed, which only produced baffled looks on the fellowships faces.  
  
"Gandalf, you really messed up back there." Pippin noted observantly, and Gandalf 'accidentally' let his staff fall and conk the young hobbit on the head.  
  
"I did not 'mess up'! These people must be servants of the Dark Lord and used powerful magic to try and get the ring." Gandalf stated, and at this Frodo panicked and fainted. So did the Argentinean.  
  
Sam pulled Frodo up and woke him up as The Doctor shook The Argentinean back into a conscious state of mind.  
  
"See! That one must be the leader. He's wearing a ring!! He made Frodo faint!" Sam exploded, pointing at The Argentinean.  
  
Aragorn suddenly screamed "ELENDIL!" and leapt forward with his sword to chop off the Argentinean's head. Acting quickly, the Bohemians knocked Aragorn away.  
  
"He's narcoleptic! He falls asleep randomly, he was doing nothing evil." Audrey explained, his voice strained.  
  
"Are you a woman?" Boromir suddenly asked, no longer able to contain his eagerness to know.  
  
Audrey scrunched up his face, obviously insulted. His all ready red face deepened a shade and he quite suddenly errupted.  
  
"I AM A MAN! I AM A MAN WITH THE GREATEST TALENT ON EARTH, UNTIL YOU NINE IDIOTS AND THIS STUPID POET COME ALONG AND RUIN IT ALL! MY TALENT IS BEST! MY TALENT IS BIGGEST! I SHOULD WRITE THE PLAY!" He screamed. Confussion clouded the fellowship's faces, and Christian suddenly began to laugh.  
  
"You're a man?" He asked in surprise, and Audrey nearly errupted again. He managed to simply nod.  
  
"I like talent." The Argentinean remarked, and the room was silent a while.  
  
"Should we take them all to the Moulin Rouge?" Toulouse asked of his companions. They just nodded in reply, each handing glasses of absinthe out in mere seconds. Satie had them stored on the piano.  
  
With a what-the-heck look, Christian and the other nine downed the liquid. The Bohemians were all ready on their fourth glasses by this time.  
  
"Down on the road where it began, Mount Doom is alive with the sound of music! The Children of the Revolution cannot be fooled by Frodo's gift of invisibility! Let us go to the Moulin Rouge tonight, and I shall have you resist gravity!" The Green Fairy sung to them.  
  
True to her word, they were lifted up in a vortex of spiralling colors.  
  
"Let's dress the orcs in dresses and give the can-can dancers hairy feet! Delay one quest and begin another, where poet and whore can meet! Shave the dwarf, give the elf a dress, and hand the Bohemians swords Go not to Mordor, but the red windmill where Christian will win with words!" The fairy finished as the spiralling colors closed in on them.  
  
They were all thrust out the window and hurled past two wings of the windmill, crashing down into the gardens entrance.  
  
Seconds later the absinthe effects wore off, and the nine people not used to such things all began to scream.  
  
"They're demon elves in dresses!" Frodo shrieked, clinging to Sam as a line of dancers walked by.  
  
Zidler bounced up to them and eagerly surveyed the crew, especially Frodo and Sam.  
  
"Oh, we have just the thing for you two!" He exclaimed loudly, before breaking into song and frightening them more. Pippin yelped in surprise as two tattooed men danced out in front of them.  
  
"Orcs!" Legolas exclaimed, and lightning fast, shot one in the head. No one noticed, and he proceeded to kill the other 'orc'. By this time Toulouse was shouting for him to stop.  
  
They were herded into the main building with the eager old men around them, and Zidler began working up the crowd.  
  
All around the fellowship, people were singing. Pippin clung to Merry, Sam clung to Frodo, Gimli clung to Legolas, Boromir clung to Aragorn, and Gandalf siezed a near-by whore to cling to.  
  
"Hey there big guy." Nini purred as Gandalf grabbed her. This seemed to alarm the Argentinean, who promptly knocked Gandalf away from his girl with one well placed kick.  
  
Before any of them could retaliate, the dancers were dancing, the singers were singing, the pimps were pimping, and they were about to be trampled.  
  
"Over here! Here!" Toulouse shouted from a table, urging them off the dancefloor. Then in an excited whisper he said something no one could understand.  
  
"What? We successfully invaded seat one?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"No, he said we successfully serenaded that one." Pippin chimed in.  
  
"You're the one who thought he was named Toothly, why should I believe you?" Aragorn retorted coldly, silencing the hobbit.  
  
"I said, WE SUCCESSFULLY EVADED ZIDLER." Toulouse repeated in exasperation. He let this sink in when Christian immediately protested.  
  
"No we didn't. We met him when we came in." He pointed out, and everyone else nodded.  
  
Inspired by all the music, Pippin quite suddenly burst into song. It was the bathtub song, and he regretted he had no water to throw on Frodo or Merry. He quite enjoyed seeing them wet.  
  
The other hobbits joined in, as everyone but Christian stared in bewilderment. Christian quite often burst into random song, and felt somewhat related to these creatures.  
  
After the song, the two groups discussed amoung themselves what they were to do now. The Fellowship only managed to come up with the facts that Pippin was hungry, and Frodo needed to get the ring to Mordor. The Bohemians were a bit luckier, and planned out quite a few things.  
  
The first was to get Christian to save their play, the second was for all 15 of them to get laid, the third was to figure out what some of the people were, the fourth was to brainwash them in the Bohemian ideals and give them makeovers.  
  
And just at that moment, the music hushed and a bright spotlight illuminated Satine on a swing. 


End file.
